I haven't posted this year for a few reasons...
I haven't really done anything exciting enough to post about and in honestly life is just not great and I have no motivation to write about it.
Since right before moving home, the financial surprises began and the hits have just kept coming. I now have no savings and owe more money in immediate bills due, than I make in one month (and those bills aren't even my usual monthly bills). I found 3 part time gigs to help with income, but they're inconsistent and don't pay much...and with the hits that I've been getting lately, they don't really make enough of a difference to be worth it.
I am really struggling with bitterness toward God. He knows how much I'm struggling and He owns the cattle on a thousand hills, and yet, here I sit in so much debt I will never be able to live independently. I am not saying that God needs to pay off my debt, buy me a house and a Mustang...that's the prosperity gospel and that's crap...but God is Lord Provider and He could prevent a few of these $1000 expenses that keep popping up. Just last week, my car cost me $850 and then today I came home to another unexpected medical bill.
I'm tired. Exhausted. Tired of trying to make some leeway, cause each time I get excited I'm on the right track, another blow comes flying at me. My credit card has been helpful for these hits that I no longer have savings for, but with more than a few thousand dollar hits, and interest compounding daily...I'm trapped.
So if you think about it, would you pray for encouragement and for a break...pray that no more unexpected hits would come my way and that one of my side gigs would become more regular and that I would be able to start making a dent int this debt.
Books: None new ones. Haven't cared to read.
Songs: None really stick out.
Monday, March 10, 2014
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
2013 Review
December went by quickly...I slept a lot. I went to more than a few doctor's appointments and everything reported back as normal. Blood tests, ultrasounds, etc. I was discouraged and watching money float away. But on Christmas Eve I went to see a nutritionist who said she is fairly certain I have Adrenal Fatigue (which happens when the body is in a serious stress mode for prolonged periods of time). This last year has been the worst year of my life for stress. EVER. Things were so bad in AZ I was getting acupuncture and 2 hr massages for sciatica at the age of 27 to no avail.
The nutritionist believes that my adrenal glands are shot and my body being in a safe environment once again has just crashed. Of course we are still waiting on test results, but at least having an idea of what is wrong is a relief. Unfortunately, adrenal fatigue will take months to heal (but can be healed, thank the Lord). So I can look forward to eating a very specific diet and taking certain supplements at specific times, resting a lot and learning how to be patient with myself.
I'm struggling with extreme fatigue and am overwhelmed by noises or sights easily. A "to do" list of more than 3 things makes me want to cry because I can no longer structure how to organize these things to get them done. My bank account is in the red and will be for the foreseeable future because I can't plan or think properly and before I fully realized the extent to that lack of ability, I bought a car.
I am blessed with a loving and supportive family to ease this pain however. My grandmother is letting me stay with her until April and then I will move back in with my parents.
There have been many years in my life I have been glad to see end, but this one by far takes the cake. I will be writing a post on my other blog (http://beautifullyprotected1.blogspot.com/) with more specifics on why, but I'll highlight a few here.
- My job at the rehab center became just pure stress and documentation. The higher ups were pushing me to quit and when I finally turned in my notice, they wouldn't let me back on the property. I am a VERY relational person and was unable to say good bye to anyone there and still to this day have nightmares about it and dream of the people I connected to.
- No matter what I tried, money disappeared. My car was a virtual money pit costing me over $3000 and I had used all my car savings fund last year. Health began declining, mental abilities began to as well and then medical bills started piling up and I took a job in CO paying almost half of what I was making in AZ. This has been the most disheartening. I try to be faithful with my money. I often ask God to just bless me with taking away all debt and with a superfluous income so I can bless friends and strangers alike and here I am stopping all giving and living with family to reduce cost and I'm still watching my credit card balance go up.
- And this is the one I'll elaborate on more in my other blog...but feelings of utter failure and desperation as I returned to CO, while also feeling relief and sincere joy. These last two years in AZ brought the strongest emotional pain I've lived through. And if the tests confirm suspicion, they are also what caused my illness.
With 2014 begun words do not describe how glad I am that 2013 is over. But unfortunately, the side effects and pains from last year linger and I will not be rid of them nor the reminder of the pain I've barely escaped from. There are just some things you want to be over, and done with and they just follow you and haunt you.
Everything has been effected and there is no where in my life I can go and not see repercussions. I can barely drive for 20 minutes without falling asleep at the wheel. I can't get out of bed to read my Bible, work out and honestly struggle to even get up to shower. I have social anxiety and struggle to go to church or Bible study because of it.
I'm not the me I used to be, and I have to lower my bars and learn to be gentle with myself as I fail to reach even the simplest mark. I am not used to sleeping all the time, to having social anxiety, to not being able to have a "to do" list with more than 3 items on it without panic. I am not used to not making budget and have to accept these things. I can set my bar to work out 1x/week and still need have grace on myself if I'm too tired to do even that. I can set my goal to read 1 book in 2 weeks and plan to have grace on myself because it's likely I won't get there. I can set my bar to be a 28 year old woman who lives with her parents, and have grace on myself because it's just where I'm at right now.
So 2013 is over, and I need to "Fall Forward" like this blog reminded me to (http://www.aholyexperience.com/2013/12/how-to-move-forward-into-the-new-year-when-you-feel-like-you-failed-the-last-year/) but it's hard. So if you're a praying person, please pray for me to be gentle on myself and for healing. And whether you are or not, be gentle with me.
Don't expect me to remember things, don't expect me to come over to your house if more than 2 people are going to be there. Don't expect me to serve or seek you out. Don't expect more than 2-3 hours of my time. Laugh with me. Send me silly quotes, pictures, letters. Encourage me from afar. I get overwhelmed easily. Accept that I might not be on a Bible study, that I might not be at church. Help me hold my bar low.
Anyway, welcome 2014. May this year be a turning point for good and upward momentum.
Books this month: I actually managed to read Kitty and the Midnight Hour and Divergent. Words cannot express how proud I am of myself to have gotten through 2 books this month (Winter break is a blessing).
Songs this month: Suffering Servant (see below link)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DabEEZdAz6c
The nutritionist believes that my adrenal glands are shot and my body being in a safe environment once again has just crashed. Of course we are still waiting on test results, but at least having an idea of what is wrong is a relief. Unfortunately, adrenal fatigue will take months to heal (but can be healed, thank the Lord). So I can look forward to eating a very specific diet and taking certain supplements at specific times, resting a lot and learning how to be patient with myself.
I'm struggling with extreme fatigue and am overwhelmed by noises or sights easily. A "to do" list of more than 3 things makes me want to cry because I can no longer structure how to organize these things to get them done. My bank account is in the red and will be for the foreseeable future because I can't plan or think properly and before I fully realized the extent to that lack of ability, I bought a car.
I am blessed with a loving and supportive family to ease this pain however. My grandmother is letting me stay with her until April and then I will move back in with my parents.
There have been many years in my life I have been glad to see end, but this one by far takes the cake. I will be writing a post on my other blog (http://beautifullyprotected1.blogspot.com/) with more specifics on why, but I'll highlight a few here.
- My job at the rehab center became just pure stress and documentation. The higher ups were pushing me to quit and when I finally turned in my notice, they wouldn't let me back on the property. I am a VERY relational person and was unable to say good bye to anyone there and still to this day have nightmares about it and dream of the people I connected to.
- No matter what I tried, money disappeared. My car was a virtual money pit costing me over $3000 and I had used all my car savings fund last year. Health began declining, mental abilities began to as well and then medical bills started piling up and I took a job in CO paying almost half of what I was making in AZ. This has been the most disheartening. I try to be faithful with my money. I often ask God to just bless me with taking away all debt and with a superfluous income so I can bless friends and strangers alike and here I am stopping all giving and living with family to reduce cost and I'm still watching my credit card balance go up.
- And this is the one I'll elaborate on more in my other blog...but feelings of utter failure and desperation as I returned to CO, while also feeling relief and sincere joy. These last two years in AZ brought the strongest emotional pain I've lived through. And if the tests confirm suspicion, they are also what caused my illness.
With 2014 begun words do not describe how glad I am that 2013 is over. But unfortunately, the side effects and pains from last year linger and I will not be rid of them nor the reminder of the pain I've barely escaped from. There are just some things you want to be over, and done with and they just follow you and haunt you.
Everything has been effected and there is no where in my life I can go and not see repercussions. I can barely drive for 20 minutes without falling asleep at the wheel. I can't get out of bed to read my Bible, work out and honestly struggle to even get up to shower. I have social anxiety and struggle to go to church or Bible study because of it.
I'm not the me I used to be, and I have to lower my bars and learn to be gentle with myself as I fail to reach even the simplest mark. I am not used to sleeping all the time, to having social anxiety, to not being able to have a "to do" list with more than 3 items on it without panic. I am not used to not making budget and have to accept these things. I can set my bar to work out 1x/week and still need have grace on myself if I'm too tired to do even that. I can set my goal to read 1 book in 2 weeks and plan to have grace on myself because it's likely I won't get there. I can set my bar to be a 28 year old woman who lives with her parents, and have grace on myself because it's just where I'm at right now.
So 2013 is over, and I need to "Fall Forward" like this blog reminded me to (http://www.aholyexperience.com/2013/12/how-to-move-forward-into-the-new-year-when-you-feel-like-you-failed-the-last-year/) but it's hard. So if you're a praying person, please pray for me to be gentle on myself and for healing. And whether you are or not, be gentle with me.
Don't expect me to remember things, don't expect me to come over to your house if more than 2 people are going to be there. Don't expect me to serve or seek you out. Don't expect more than 2-3 hours of my time. Laugh with me. Send me silly quotes, pictures, letters. Encourage me from afar. I get overwhelmed easily. Accept that I might not be on a Bible study, that I might not be at church. Help me hold my bar low.
Anyway, welcome 2014. May this year be a turning point for good and upward momentum.
Books this month: I actually managed to read Kitty and the Midnight Hour and Divergent. Words cannot express how proud I am of myself to have gotten through 2 books this month (Winter break is a blessing).
Songs this month: Suffering Servant (see below link)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DabEEZdAz6c
Saturday, November 30, 2013
November 2013
This month has been busy and wonderful!
I've spent more time getting back in touch with friends, settling in and enjoying time with family. I spent the first week of November travelling for work. It was not the fanciest of accommodations and the lack of healthy food made me sick, but I learned a lot and it mad me more confident in my work.
I am loving my job and am finding my groove with the workload and driving. I have met all sorts of families in my own town that I never would have had a chance to meet, and am able to make a big difference in some families' lives.
This month my fatigue level has become a concern and a new priority to figure out what's going on. I had a Thyroid ultrasound, and all came back normal. I will pursue some other avenues in December to figure out what's going on and begin to work on it.
Thanksgiving...Oh Thanksgiving! I absolutely love my family and look forward to every time I get to be with them. This year was a bit different with people coming for dessert or leaving to have dessert elsewhere...but families evolve (especially when significant others are involved). Despite the coming and going, it was still a great holiday. It also happened to be my mom's birthday, so I spent the evening at my parents' house (which is a 2 min drive away).
I spent the day after Thanksgiving with my mom too. We decorated for Christmas at my Nana's (my home too), went out to lunch with my aunt and then went to my parents' house and decorated for Christmas there too.
I am thankful for such an amazing family! Loving, close knit, silly, intelligent, and so much more! My financial situation has gotten even more tough, but I bought a car I will be able to travel safely in. Nana has been a life saver, letting me live in her basement for free. My plan is to stay here until at least April and knock out a little bit of debt.
Hopefully I will have some answers on this fatigue for my next post.
Books this month: Kitty and the Midnight Hour (good book. I spent a lot of time reading magazines and settling in...that is when I wasn't napping)
Songs this month: Safe Place by Enter the Worship Circle (Seriously an AMAZING song). I am super excited to have a CDplayer in my car again :)
Monday, October 7, 2013
September 2013
September was spent packing and saying good bye to Arizona...
I AM BACK IN CO!!! I moved in with my Nana, just about a mile away from my parents and right by a main road to the rest of my family out here. It's so SO nice!
We're all safe from the flooding and things are settling down out here.
I got a job working in the school district out here with a program where I will be doing early intervention and working with families who are pregnant or have kids up to age 3. I am doing a lot of training now, but will be in the field here pretty soon. I am really enjoying it and think I am going to keep enjoying it.
Please pray that I do, as I can't afford to switch jobs again. Also pray for provision as the move was very costly (my car needed over $1000 in repair just before the move, on top of moving costs and time off with out pay to move)...It's been rough and is going to be rough for a while.
Short update, but I'm tired and it was way over due!
I'm settling in to the routine here and am loving the family time I am getting, it's exactly what I needed. My stress level has shot way down and I am hoping to get back into a healthy lifestyle and enjoy love and support once again.
Books this month: Finished all the Ender's Game and Ender's Shadow series and moved
Music this month: Still into Imagine Dragons Radioactive and Country music.
I AM BACK IN CO!!! I moved in with my Nana, just about a mile away from my parents and right by a main road to the rest of my family out here. It's so SO nice!
We're all safe from the flooding and things are settling down out here.
I got a job working in the school district out here with a program where I will be doing early intervention and working with families who are pregnant or have kids up to age 3. I am doing a lot of training now, but will be in the field here pretty soon. I am really enjoying it and think I am going to keep enjoying it.
Please pray that I do, as I can't afford to switch jobs again. Also pray for provision as the move was very costly (my car needed over $1000 in repair just before the move, on top of moving costs and time off with out pay to move)...It's been rough and is going to be rough for a while.
Short update, but I'm tired and it was way over due!
I'm settling in to the routine here and am loving the family time I am getting, it's exactly what I needed. My stress level has shot way down and I am hoping to get back into a healthy lifestyle and enjoy love and support once again.
Books this month: Finished all the Ender's Game and Ender's Shadow series and moved
Music this month: Still into Imagine Dragons Radioactive and Country music.
Friday, September 6, 2013
August 2013
I spent the beginning of August in Colorado visiting family and their new house. I only told family of my trip as I only had 3 days in town. It was so nice to get to see my loved ones again and I can't explain how weird it was to have to get directions to my parents' new house. Their new house is beautiful and I'm so glad they were able to get it and move in.
I returned back to AZ and went back to work. My job continues to be amazing. This month though I will dub the "Month of Scorpion". Since starting my job, I've battled 8 scorpions (most of them this month). Those things are tricky! Most of the ones I've battled were small, so the battle was really just a matter of me stepping on them and squishing...but they can get as flat as a credit card, so you really have to squish, grind and crunch. One of the scorpions I battled got away because it faked me out. It pretended to be dead and then scurried away when I wasn't looking.
One of the scorpions I battled, however, was huge! It was gross, it was big and it's tail was ready to sting. I freaked out, and tried to move around. At one point, the sucker even charged me...But it's dead! I have now reached the point where I see a scorpion and kill it without a second thought. So, I'm pretty bad ass now ;)
Just kidding :)
Other than that, I spent my time working and being sick. I've been really stressed out this month. My body has started showing all the signs of too much stress. I had several massages, and started acupuncture. It's been a bit helpful.
I also made the decision to move home regardless of having a job. So, I am in process of making plans, figuring out logistics and praying I get a job offer in the next week. You could pray with me.
This month I have also spent time feeling like I'm way behind. I am grateful for my time in AZ and the professional development it afforded me, but I am really hoping to get my own house. It's finally hit me that I'm almost 30 and still have no place of my own.
Anyway, that was my August. Tune in next month to see how things went down with the move. Please pray for a job and for provision and join me in praying for a house of my own.
Thanks!
Books this month: I have continued along with the Orson Scott Card Ender's series and Shadow series. Ender's Game is coming out in theatres in November, and the whole book series is great.
Music this month: My friend came out with an album on iTunes to help support herself through college. The artist is An Sli (Allison Chase).
I returned back to AZ and went back to work. My job continues to be amazing. This month though I will dub the "Month of Scorpion". Since starting my job, I've battled 8 scorpions (most of them this month). Those things are tricky! Most of the ones I've battled were small, so the battle was really just a matter of me stepping on them and squishing...but they can get as flat as a credit card, so you really have to squish, grind and crunch. One of the scorpions I battled got away because it faked me out. It pretended to be dead and then scurried away when I wasn't looking.
One of the scorpions I battled, however, was huge! It was gross, it was big and it's tail was ready to sting. I freaked out, and tried to move around. At one point, the sucker even charged me...But it's dead! I have now reached the point where I see a scorpion and kill it without a second thought. So, I'm pretty bad ass now ;)
Just kidding :)
Other than that, I spent my time working and being sick. I've been really stressed out this month. My body has started showing all the signs of too much stress. I had several massages, and started acupuncture. It's been a bit helpful.
I also made the decision to move home regardless of having a job. So, I am in process of making plans, figuring out logistics and praying I get a job offer in the next week. You could pray with me.
This month I have also spent time feeling like I'm way behind. I am grateful for my time in AZ and the professional development it afforded me, but I am really hoping to get my own house. It's finally hit me that I'm almost 30 and still have no place of my own.
Anyway, that was my August. Tune in next month to see how things went down with the move. Please pray for a job and for provision and join me in praying for a house of my own.
Thanks!
Books this month: I have continued along with the Orson Scott Card Ender's series and Shadow series. Ender's Game is coming out in theatres in November, and the whole book series is great.
Music this month: My friend came out with an album on iTunes to help support herself through college. The artist is An Sli (Allison Chase).
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
July 2013
I didn't do much out of the ordinary for the majority of July...Just work, and home (and avoiding the 100+ degree weather...yay summer in the AZ).
This was a moving month for friends and family though. My parents bought and moved into a new home near my Nana and closer to my mom's side of the family :) and two of my friends out here bought and moved into a home here in AZ. I was able to help them clean before moving in, and before their baby comes.
I started the job hunt in CO with full force and am planning on moving back as soon as I possibly can.
I also went on a camping trip with work. We took all the children from the group homes, the group home parents and several of us staff into the mountains to encourage the kids to learn and get in touch with their heritage. It was a lot of fun...but not much sleep. Did you know that cows will try to steal your trash can at night and moo and moo and moo all night long? I didn't!
I was able to go to CO the beginning of August to visit my parents home and see everyone. It was nice.
Stay tuned to stay updated on the moving to CO situation.
Books this month: The Ender's Game series (by Orson Scott Card), Half the Sky
Music this month: I'm completely hooked on the song Radioactive by Imagine Dragons. It's so catchy! I'm also into the Cups Song by Anna Kendrick that one is my morning alarm, so it gets stuck in my head all day.
This was a moving month for friends and family though. My parents bought and moved into a new home near my Nana and closer to my mom's side of the family :) and two of my friends out here bought and moved into a home here in AZ. I was able to help them clean before moving in, and before their baby comes.
I started the job hunt in CO with full force and am planning on moving back as soon as I possibly can.
I also went on a camping trip with work. We took all the children from the group homes, the group home parents and several of us staff into the mountains to encourage the kids to learn and get in touch with their heritage. It was a lot of fun...but not much sleep. Did you know that cows will try to steal your trash can at night and moo and moo and moo all night long? I didn't!
I was able to go to CO the beginning of August to visit my parents home and see everyone. It was nice.
Stay tuned to stay updated on the moving to CO situation.
Books this month: The Ender's Game series (by Orson Scott Card), Half the Sky
Music this month: I'm completely hooked on the song Radioactive by Imagine Dragons. It's so catchy! I'm also into the Cups Song by Anna Kendrick that one is my morning alarm, so it gets stuck in my head all day.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
June 2013
There is not a whole lot to update on June, as I did not do much.
I began my job at the reservation north of me and began learning the ropes and meeting the children. I have yet to meet them all, but will by the end of this week. I have spent a lot of time in the crisis home, and love it. This job is a lot like nannying and is also a trauma informed, skill teaching opportunity for traumatized children. My superiors are amazing and I'm getting to know my co-workers. It's never the same thing and often my schedule isn't even close to the same week to week.
This change and the newness of the job wear me out by the end of the week, so I use my days (or sometimes just day) off to get things done and nap. I've been reading quite a bit and spent a few mornings playing games with friends at coffee shops. I really love those mornings.
I have also made the decision to move back to CO, and am looking for a job. I don't really have a timeline or know exactly what that will look like as I have rent to pay here until the end of January. So that's something to pray about.
July holds in store more work and learning more about the job, and going on a group home wide camping trip at the end of the month. I am hoping to take a trip back to CO to see my parents' new house and need 3 or more days off in a row, so prayers for that would be appreciated. If all else fails I know I have the first week in August for a really short trip.
Books this month: A Memory of Light (Book 14 in the Wheel of Time series), Ender's Game.
Music this month: really random songs, like Rubber Duckie, songs by Kermit the Frog and there's a song called Radio Active that often gets stuck in my head and I love it.
I began my job at the reservation north of me and began learning the ropes and meeting the children. I have yet to meet them all, but will by the end of this week. I have spent a lot of time in the crisis home, and love it. This job is a lot like nannying and is also a trauma informed, skill teaching opportunity for traumatized children. My superiors are amazing and I'm getting to know my co-workers. It's never the same thing and often my schedule isn't even close to the same week to week.
This change and the newness of the job wear me out by the end of the week, so I use my days (or sometimes just day) off to get things done and nap. I've been reading quite a bit and spent a few mornings playing games with friends at coffee shops. I really love those mornings.
I have also made the decision to move back to CO, and am looking for a job. I don't really have a timeline or know exactly what that will look like as I have rent to pay here until the end of January. So that's something to pray about.
July holds in store more work and learning more about the job, and going on a group home wide camping trip at the end of the month. I am hoping to take a trip back to CO to see my parents' new house and need 3 or more days off in a row, so prayers for that would be appreciated. If all else fails I know I have the first week in August for a really short trip.
Books this month: A Memory of Light (Book 14 in the Wheel of Time series), Ender's Game.
Music this month: really random songs, like Rubber Duckie, songs by Kermit the Frog and there's a song called Radio Active that often gets stuck in my head and I love it.
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