February 2011

February is the shortest month of the year...but every year it seems so much longer than any other month. I think it's because by this point every year I'm completely over winter and the cold, but winter is only half over and I have to endure. Another reason is that this is the month of decisions. Every year with out fail, I have to make big choices.

This year, I have had lots of big choices to make, and the hardest decisions ever. It's hard too, because I can't just make these decisions and move on. They will change the course of my life and I have to wait for God on several of them.
     -Where to live next August
     - What job to pursue for the summer
     - What career training to pursue this summer
     - What career/job to pursue come August
     - If I leave state, when to leave

There have been many sleepless nights, lots of thoughts and planning and surfing the web for more choices and informed decision making. I found an amazing grad program out of state and am working on the application for that. If I get in several of those decisions will be made for me and will be a weight off my shoulders.

This month has been hard because I want to follow God's path for my life and not steer myself selfishly, or follow others blindly. This is hard, because there is no pillar of smoke, or neon sign pointing me one way over another. I simply have to make a leap of faith, and I am terrified of falling.

This month, I've been preparing to let go of the ones I love and the places that I feel safe and at home. I will be leaving here soon and I need to be ready. At the same time I am also learning how to be 'all in' right here, even with changes coming. It's a weird thing and very hard at times. I very much live in the future, and the future for me is a giant black hole.

I'm so excited to see this year play out, and I know I will be able to look back in a few years and see how much this year shaped my life. I am learning about my identity in Christ (specifically that I am justified and valuable). I am learning about God (that he is personal, trustworthy and good).

I am absolutely exhausted, and would really like to know what to do and what's going to happen...but God has me in this place and I will walk it out.

Tune in next month to see how it's going :)

books this month: Notes from the Tilt a Whirl and Dracula. I am still in the middle of both of them...Dracula is amazing so far and I highly recommend it! I will get back to you on Notes From the Tilt a Whirl.


Songs This Month: Beautiful Fall (by Adam Watts). Praise God (Steele Crosswhite).