December went by quickly...I slept a lot. I went to more than a few doctor's appointments and everything reported back as normal. Blood tests, ultrasounds, etc. I was discouraged and watching money float away. But on Christmas Eve I went to see a nutritionist who said she is fairly certain I have Adrenal Fatigue (which happens when the body is in a serious stress mode for prolonged periods of time). This last year has been the worst year of my life for stress. EVER. Things were so bad in AZ I was getting acupuncture and 2 hr massages for sciatica at the age of 27 to no avail.
The nutritionist believes that my adrenal glands are shot and my body being in a safe environment once again has just crashed. Of course we are still waiting on test results, but at least having an idea of what is wrong is a relief. Unfortunately, adrenal fatigue will take months to heal (but can be healed, thank the Lord). So I can look forward to eating a very specific diet and taking certain supplements at specific times, resting a lot and learning how to be patient with myself.
I'm struggling with extreme fatigue and am overwhelmed by noises or sights easily. A "to do" list of more than 3 things makes me want to cry because I can no longer structure how to organize these things to get them done. My bank account is in the red and will be for the foreseeable future because I can't plan or think properly and before I fully realized the extent to that lack of ability, I bought a car.
I am blessed with a loving and supportive family to ease this pain however. My grandmother is letting me stay with her until April and then I will move back in with my parents.
There have been many years in my life I have been glad to see end, but this one by far takes the cake. I will be writing a post on my other blog (http://beautifullyprotected1.blogspot.com/) with more specifics on why, but I'll highlight a few here.
- My job at the rehab center became just pure stress and documentation. The higher ups were pushing me to quit and when I finally turned in my notice, they wouldn't let me back on the property. I am a VERY relational person and was unable to say good bye to anyone there and still to this day have nightmares about it and dream of the people I connected to.
- No matter what I tried, money disappeared. My car was a virtual money pit costing me over $3000 and I had used all my car savings fund last year. Health began declining, mental abilities began to as well and then medical bills started piling up and I took a job in CO paying almost half of what I was making in AZ. This has been the most disheartening. I try to be faithful with my money. I often ask God to just bless me with taking away all debt and with a superfluous income so I can bless friends and strangers alike and here I am stopping all giving and living with family to reduce cost and I'm still watching my credit card balance go up.
- And this is the one I'll elaborate on more in my other blog...but feelings of utter failure and desperation as I returned to CO, while also feeling relief and sincere joy. These last two years in AZ brought the strongest emotional pain I've lived through. And if the tests confirm suspicion, they are also what caused my illness.
With 2014 begun words do not describe how glad I am that 2013 is over. But unfortunately, the side effects and pains from last year linger and I will not be rid of them nor the reminder of the pain I've barely escaped from. There are just some things you want to be over, and done with and they just follow you and haunt you.
Everything has been effected and there is no where in my life I can go and not see repercussions. I can barely drive for 20 minutes without falling asleep at the wheel. I can't get out of bed to read my Bible, work out and honestly struggle to even get up to shower. I have social anxiety and struggle to go to church or Bible study because of it.
I'm not the me I used to be, and I have to lower my bars and learn to be gentle with myself as I fail to reach even the simplest mark. I am not used to sleeping all the time, to having social anxiety, to not being able to have a "to do" list with more than 3 items on it without panic. I am not used to not making budget and have to accept these things. I can set my bar to work out 1x/week and still need have grace on myself if I'm too tired to do even that. I can set my goal to read 1 book in 2 weeks and plan to have grace on myself because it's likely I won't get there. I can set my bar to be a 28 year old woman who lives with her parents, and have grace on myself because it's just where I'm at right now.
So 2013 is over, and I need to "Fall Forward" like this blog reminded me to (http://www.aholyexperience.com/2013/12/how-to-move-forward-into-the-new-year-when-you-feel-like-you-failed-the-last-year/) but it's hard. So if you're a praying person, please pray for me to be gentle on myself and for healing. And whether you are or not, be gentle with me.
Don't expect me to remember things, don't expect me to come over to your house if more than 2 people are going to be there. Don't expect me to serve or seek you out. Don't expect more than 2-3 hours of my time. Laugh with me. Send me silly quotes, pictures, letters. Encourage me from afar. I get overwhelmed easily. Accept that I might not be on a Bible study, that I might not be at church. Help me hold my bar low.
Anyway, welcome 2014. May this year be a turning point for good and upward momentum.
Books this month: I actually managed to read Kitty and the Midnight Hour and Divergent. Words cannot express how proud I am of myself to have gotten through 2 books this month (Winter break is a blessing).
Songs this month: Suffering Servant (see below link)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DabEEZdAz6c
